So, here's an experiment: watch along with the reptile.

If you haven't seen The Cabin in the Woods and you do want to, best not to go any further as I'm just going to react as I go. Yes, this is partially about reducing the jumps given my boy is on the other side of the world. This is why I'm watching Cabin and not going to go see The Shining (tempting, but I'm stupid, not crazy).

So without further ado…

2m – who doesn't like a redhead in her pants? Especially a smart redhead. In her pants. 
10m – hurray, a hick gas station in the middle of nowhere! And we're already trading spit over the war… Always start by annoying the spooky locals (or the weird subterranean government agency(?) (Rossum-a-like evil corp?) spooks).
13m – HA! Here's me thinking "sheesh, shit CGI", when the shit CGI breaks the in-movie screen. Nice.
14m – uh, that looks welcoming.
15m – woohoo, disturbing fucking artwork! …and a 2-way mirror. Cue bad behaviour coming up (that always gets punished you know). 
16m – oh bless.
17m – ooooh bless. What a sweety. He's totally going to die, right? Because otherwise we get a predictable plucky couple getting together through surviving adversity and who wants to see that?
18m – although we can probably stand to see a bit more of THAT. Why are these kids so squeaky clean?
19m – loving the set-up though. Totally unclear whether to now disbelieve everything, whether it's going to look official but be horribly gruesome, or whether the carefully co-ordinated set-up is going to completely unravel
24m – ah, option 2 then. Relying on drunk students to behave badly. Aaaand here we go.
28m – money on them (her friends) flipping the trapdoor if the spooks don't. Fabulous spooky bric a brac.
30m – no no, not a music box. Silly boy. 
32m – you don't want to read that you know. Definitely not out loud. See, I speak Latin, and that doesn't mean nothing. You're not going to like this one bit.
35m – what's the phrase from Transformers? Evil jock concubine?
38m – ah Fran Kranz, so reliable.
39m – you poor things, you don't stand a chance.
40m – aha, evil Rossum-a-like. 
41m – nope, not my type.
42m – wow, you have bad survival instincts.
43m – or make that cult. That's got to have some pretty significant fear base to justify this level of effort.
45m – nice try Fran. Very convincing.
46m – got me! 
47m – Thor's not dead?
48m – to be fair, watching the watchers react is probably more fun than me reacting 🙂 That's some good shit they're pumping in there though, because that choice is totally counter-intuitive. 
49m – buh bye.
51m – are they trying to keep it asleep or wake it up?
54m – why oh why at this point would you expect that to work?
55m – god bless the Japanese.
56m – okay, keep it asleep and save mankind. No sacrifice too great, etc. There are still easier ways to kill people…
58m – he's Thor, what's the worst than can happen? Oh wait, he was George Kirk too. Sucks to be him.
59m – I'd forgotten about that. I wonder if that counts?
61m – that took a lot longer than I expected…
63m – okay, reset the board. Now it's on you, girl (but we always knew that would be the case). I wouldn't lie about too long. See?
64m – okay mister, you're the only good guy left…
65m – …and now it gets out of control, right?
66m – HELL YEAH. Geeks shall inherit the earth, etc. So much for good guys.
73m – Grrr. Arrrgh.
76m – there was another way this film worked, where you were rooting for the spooks. 
77m – but the nightmares are genius. Well observed sir, well observed.
80m – nobody's safe! I had hopes for that guy. Oh well, different movie 🙂
83m – GENIUS. Can't spoil that.
85m – it's a good line. She's going to be gutted if it turns out not to be true…
87m – sucks that rituals are so specific though, no? If only any old blood would do.
89m – awesome. 

As for the review – this is every bit as much fun as the trailer and the reviews suggest. Take the expected ingredients, play with them, tell the audience you're playing with them, and then just let it run. And run. And as long as your audience are Whedonites, they'll love it. Grrr. Arrrrrgh. Fab.